B-Movie Trailers in my Head
Welcome to the golden age of VHS trash — a time when every story began with a “routine procedure” and ended in an unreasonably large body count. This is “Routine: The Motion Picture.” Five tales. Zero coherence. One unforgettable, deeply unnecessary cinematic universe. Read aloud in your best 80s trailer voice — or don’t. The ghosts are watching either way.
‘Detectives Rim and Dodge thought it was just another day on the force… until a shotgun blast turned their perp into modern art. Now, haunted by sorrow and sexy stubble, they’re up against something far worse than trauma: the perps vengeful ghost-spooge. It’s in the carpets — the curtains — the cookware — empty beer cans and leaking from his cold, dead balls; and it wants to give YOU a facial. With help from a wisecracking Chinese landlord who dies halfway through, the detectives have to stop the growing slick — before it drains all the city-boys’ plums.’
‘He was just a humble scientist… with a dream of spider-trees. But when an experimental machine glitch-zapped his iPod instead of the genome, something… changed. Now, he’s not just man. He’s MP3 Man — half raw testosterone, half Billy Ray Cyrus playlist — all pissed off. With the strength of bark… and the rhythm of Tennessee, he’s coming for justice. Science never saw this coming. This summer… plug in, branch out, and boogie.’
'He was a man with a parcel… and a hole in his heart. She was a deranged woman mid-defecation. Together, they found a love no one asked for. But when Mandy’s lies unravel — and her schizophrenia turns out to be just really aggressive people-pleasing — their world falls apart. In a story soaked with betrayal, suspense, and stool… one man must ask himself: is this what love smells like?'
‘He’s afraid of snakes. So naturally, the RSPCA sends him… to Snake Island. An island home to millions of snakes. But the real danger? His own imagination. Trees? Snakes. Hoses? Snakes. A baguette? Definitely a snake. Now, trapped in a slithering hellscape of misunderstanding, one man must face his fears — or spend the rest of his life screaming at extension cords. From the producers of ‘Wasp Church’ and ‘Cows With Knives’ — comes the hiss-terical survival thriller of the summer.’
‘When every cannabis plant on Earth suddenly evaporates, toxic fumes fill the skies — numbing minds and ruining snack supplies. Pretzels vanish. Cornish pasties become contraband. The world spirals into carbohydrate chaos. Now, the only man immune… is a confused beat cop with mild IBS and an iron will. His unlikely partner? ‘this shaggy nutjob’— a paranoid local hippy with no shoes, no plan, and no sense of time. Together, they’ll face an invisible enemy… and maybe learn the true meaning of snacks. Rated PG-13 for mild drug use, strong language, and pasty-based violence.’